What can we learn from Sarah,Duchess of York? What guidance can she give us about life?
First, let's be clear - the Duchess isn't some kind of boffin or philosopher. She didn't go to university, and in fact she often jokes about barely passing any exams when she left high school at 16!
But what she lacks in academic studies, she more than makes up for with emotional intelligence, life experience, curiosity, and imagination. She has great compassion, and openness to people and ideas.
Sarah has had an amazing life, travelling the world, meeting people from all classes of society, and she's been through more ups and downs in life than most of us can even imagine! And through her books and her interviews, she's generously shared her ideas and opinions with her fans. She has a lot to teach us about life, spirituality, happiness and how to be the best we can be. So let's dive in...
1. Open your mind to spirituality
"Though I belong to no established religion, I revere many of them. [...] For me, faith means that what is right will win out one day. It means the universe is not aimless but moving by some positive design. I can see this clearly now that I've stopped hiding - now that I've turned to seeking, instead God is suddenly manifest to me. In reaching inside to discover who I am, I am also finding what I need".
(Sarah, Duchess of York, from her book "What I know now")
From this extract, we can see that Sarah's faith is open-minded (respecting and revering many faiths), optimistic and strongly connected to individual self-discovery and self-knowledge.
She takes inspiration from her Christian upbringing (for example, the Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi - a favourite of her grandmother). At the same time, we see in "Finding Sarah" how she is also strongly influenced by Eastern spiritual traditions, especially in the chapters that describe her stay at the Kamalaya Wellness Sanctuary and Health Spa in Thailand, where she worked hard at developing meditation practices and a sense of inner peace.
For a more detailed look at the Duchess' spiritual beliefs, see my analysis of her beautiful poem, "The Lotus Flower", through which she communicates many of these ideas.
2. Learn to love yourself
"I discovered I am smart, I am special and unique, very sensitive, loving, caring and so funny! My friends and family will love me no matter what. I am important. I have the right to love and be loved. I can be whatever I want to be, because I already possess all I need to succeed."
(The Duchess, from "What I know now")
Significantly, this quote is from the final chapter of the book. Before arriving at this point, Sarah movingly describes the self-hatred and self-doubt she suffered through her life, at times feeling useless, fat or ugly, worrying that people didn't like her, feeling abandoned by her mother, or believing the bullying headlines of the tabloids.
From my own point of view, Sarah's intense, unflinching honesty about her inner demons had a huge impact on me - because I had been through the same kinds of issues. I wasn't alone!
Through her books and interviews, the Duchess showed us her scars, her vulnerability... and how she was able to overcome these demons. This is the single biggest reason why I consider myself her fan, because of her positive example of how to feel better about yourself. That's why I love the quote above, and I try to tell myself similar positive affirmations!
As she says in the same book: "No matter how insurmountable your problems may seem, you can change yourself for the better. If I can do it, so can you!"
3. Meditate
"I get a huge benefit from simply breathing for 5 minutes. When you focus on the sound of your breath, and really listen to it, your naughty monkey mind stops jumping from tree to tree. Your breath grows deeper and slower, like a warm breeze through long grass. Everything unclogs".
(The Duchess, from "What I Know Now: Simple Lessons Learned the Hard Way")
Both in "What I know Now" and in "Finding Sarah", the Duchess talks about the power of meditation, as I way of combating stress and anxiety, and feeling happier in your everyday life!
4. Be childlike
"Oh, I am in every way a child. It's who I am. It gets me into endless trouble. People think you're impossible or difficult if they can't relate to you, if you don't take life seriously. But the key to me is that I look at life with a child's sense of excitement and joy."
(The Duchess, in an interview with the Daily Mail) https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-6373641/Im-not-divorced-Andrew-Im-divorced-Fergies-interview-20-years.html
The Duchess of York's childlike enthusiasm is one of the qualities that makes her so endearing to people! It's also what makes her a great children's writer. She has a vivid imagination that can transform normal life into magical stories. For example, while taking helicopter flying lessons, she nicknamed her aircraft "Budgie" and imagined a cheeky, fun personality for him. This became the basis for her Budgie the Little Helicopter stories!
Her vibrant, creative imagination gave us other children's favourites like Little Red or Ballerina Rosie.
As children, we see the world with fresh eyes, with a sense of wonder and enthusiasm. That's the Duchess in a nutshell! When you meet her, you feel that energy and honesty. She doesn't seem capable of being cynical or jaded about anything! This attitude is perfectly summed up in this quote:
"I do believe in fairies. I do believe in magic and when you blow on a dandelion, you will see the light of the enchanted spreading their wings. ... Don't let the day go by without looking for fairies and magic. That makes me happy, as every day is, therefore, a day of exploration and adventure." https://www.femalefirst.co.uk/royal_family/sarah-ferguson-believes-fairies-552647.html
If we could all try to look at life that way, I'm sure it would make us happier!
5. Spread kindness and compassion
"We can be better human beings by cultivating loving kindness and compassion". (Finding Sarah)
The Duchess strongly believes in the power and importance of kindness, and this was shown in February 2019, when she wrote an article in Hello Magazine to support their #hellotokindness campaign against social media bullying and trolling.
Her unique compassion is spread through her tireless charity work (see my previous post on this topic). These are also qualities she has passed onto her amazing daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie.
You also feel her kindness and compassion in person too. She talks to people from the heart, gives them her time and energy. She never talks down to people but treats them like equals. Both times that I met her, I was really nervous, but she was so kind to me and so good at putting me at ease!
If we can follow Sarah's example, we too can spread some kindness and compassion as we go through the world!
6. Be present in the present
"What is now is now - and that's what we have! I know it's a cliche to say 'to be present in the present is a present', but it's TRUE!!" (The Duchess, in an interview with the podcast "Building a Story Brand") http://buildingastorybrand.com/episode-113/
Sarah always emphasises that, to be truly happy, we have to live in the moment!
Of course, she's lived the other side of this - she has often spoken of the pain of living with regret for the mistakes of the past. She has also experienced real anxiety about the future - at one point, deeply in debt, she was worried about being able to pay her staff and fund her life each month.
So this is something she has had to work on, not something that comes easily. And of course it is closely linked with spirituality and meditation, as discussed above.
Another concept she uses is the "joy bubble". This is a kind of happy, contented, living-in-the-moment state of mind. She said in a tweet, ‘I love staying in my joy bubble. Even more joy comes from managing to discipline the mind to stay there for the whole day.’
As she tells us, this requires discipline, but it's a very powerful idea that we can basically train our mind to be happy!
7. Be yourself
"I have a pure heart of joy and I have just realised at the age of 56 that it is OK to be yourself. And it is OK not to be perfect and not read 56 million books and have not gone to Harvard. Experience it, believe it and be it." (Sarah, speaking at a talk at the China Exchange, 2016) https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3803938/Sarah-Ferguson-tells-friends-suicide-fears-Prince-Andrew-split.html
In "Finding Sarah", the Duchess spoke about being addicted to approval and acceptance, and found that this was at the root cause of many of her past mistakes. Now, it seems, she is content and accepting of who she is. As she says above, it doesn't matter if she doesn't have much of an academic education, as she brings other things to the table, like compassion, enthusiasm and a natural wisdom.
This also means accepting that you can't please everyone. She made this point in her 2018 interview on Good Morning Britain: "Be who you are! 50% of the people like you, 50% don't. Do what you feel, stand firm, with integrity and kindness".
In fact, it's true that some people just don't seem to "get" the Duchess - whether they think she's too posh or too jokey or too brash and outspoken, I don't know. Maybe some people just believe too much of what they read in the papers. Others are probably just too bitter and cynical to appreciate something with an open heart and a childlike joy of life!
But while some people don't like her, it's also true that those who do like her tend to really LOVE her! I've come across so many people who find her absolutely charming and adorable!
We can apply that to our own lives. Instead of worrying whether people like us, we should just be confident in who we are, and do what we feel is right! And if some people aren't into that - forget about it, because the people who know us and understand us will love and support us!
8. Remember to laugh
"I still find life to be funny above all. Humour is an intrinsic part of my day, and laughter my preferred therapy, a shot of adrenaline straight to my brain". (From "What I Know Now")
In "What I Know Now", Sarah tells the story of when she had her confirmation ceremony in church, at the age of 13, and embarrassingly had a fit if giggles! "Can't you take anything seriously?", her mother had said. Sarah writes, "I did take religion seriously. But I couldn't help myself. Something struck me as awfully funny that day - the hushed reverence, my starched white dress, I couldn't say for sure".
Later she found that the Archbishop of Canterbury was on her side. She quotes the Archbishop: "Laughter is one of God's greatest gifts. To reach sanctity is to laugh at our mortality and take only God seriously".
One of the most charming things about the Duchess' personality is her laughter, because it is so genuine, heartfelt and human. Her face and her eyes are so expressive when she laughs!
When Sarah talks about her friendship with Princess Diana, above all, she remembers how they would laugh together: "When Diana really laughed, it was very deep, from the bottom of her stomach... to remind me that the world was not such a bad place, as long as you didn't take it too seriously" (from "What I Know Now")
9. Through adversity comes happiness ....and.... 10. No regrets
"I still wrestle with regret from time to time. But in my deepest heart I feel nothing to be sorry for, in the sense I would live it all again. There is no life without risk, no wisdom without misjudgement, no character without getting knocked down and picking yourself up again". (from What I know Now)
That quote says it all really. It is without doubt one of my favourite quotes from all of Sarah's books. So much wisdom! That's why I've saved it for the end of this article.
Everyone knows that Sarah made mistakes. There were unfortunate headlines and photos. She lost her marriage and her Royal title. She spent too much. She made bad decisions.
And of course we all make mistakes. But imagine your worst, most embarrassing moments being splashed across front pages in front of millions of people! I can't even imagine that!
But Sarah's strength is in her resilience, the way she's turned disaster into triumph, again and again! A few examples...
The tabloid press bullied her over her body shape and weight gain. So, after losing weight and looking fantastic, she became an advocate for Weight Watchers. She was now a role model for others, encouraging other to take similar steps to look and feel good.
She ended up deeply in debt through overspending, and, outside the confines of the Royal Family, had no option but to earn her own money. So, she became a jet-setting entrepreneur, with endorsements, books, speaking engagements and lifestyle products. Soon she was earning millions.
She was caught up in a tabloid sting over false cash-for-access allegations. Her reputation was at a low and she felt lost. So she embarked on a personal, spiritual journey to find the root causes of her issues. Through the associated book and TV show, she was able to share her insights, advice and wisdom with her fans, helping other people to make their own deep reflections and positive life changes.
So the lesson is not to regret your mistakes but to accept them, and when you fall down, to get back up and keep going!
I don't want a hero whose perfect. I want a hero who's made mistakes and come back stronger. That's the Duchess of York, and that's why she's my hero!
Sarah's family coat of arms has a Latin motto - "ex adversis felicitas crescit", meaning... out of adversity comes happiness! She's been through her share of adversity for sure, but it seems like she's found the happiness she deserves! If we follow her example and her leadership - maybe we can too!
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